Kingdom Hearts: Every Fan Fiction Ever
by David Noklevername
Summary: Soku, the hero of this story, has been given a gift, a Pick Lock Blade, an object that definitely is not inspired by the Keyblade, from the mysterious and obviously evil Man With No Clever Name. Though soon after, the Man With No Clever Name attacks Soku's World...
1. Chapter 1: Pick Lock Blade

**Kingdom Hearts: Every Fan Fiction Ever**

Soku, the man who is eerily similar to both Riku and Sora, BUT IS STILL A TOTALLY ORIGINAL CHARACTER, sat on the beach.

"Wow… This is an awful way to start a fan fiction… Maybe, when I'm done expositioning, someone will do something worth narrating about-"

"Hey, Soku!" Soku's friend, Yaomi, called. "Want to hang out with me and Mary Sue?"

Yaomi's name was very descriptive. His fondness for gay-sex was unmatched-

"I'm straight." Yaomi commented.

Too bad, you can't argue with the Narrator.

"… F ck you."

I've heard that a lot. Anyways, Soku and Yaomi strolled across the island, until they found Mary Sue, who was sharpening her katana.

"Hiii everybody!" Mary Sue greeted, "I'm just sharpening my katana!"

"I know," Yaomi replied, "I read the narration."

"Can we actually move along with the plot?" Soku whined, "I heard I get to kill things later in the story, soooo…"

"Alright, alright!" Replied Mary Sue, "Let's get on with the plot!"

"Because I asked you to?" Soku asked.

"No, for a completely different reason!" Mary Sue answered cheerfully.

"Ooooof course…" Yaomi commented. The studio laugh track was then put on for that _hi-LARIOUS _remark.

"Wait, what was that?" Mary Sue asked.

Soku scratched his chin in ponderment, "I _don't _know…"

Yaomi face-palmed, "Am I the only genre-savvy person in this entire group?"

Mary Sue and Soku nodded, "It's one of my few actual flaws. That, and being clumsy." Mary Sue replied.

Yaomi sighed, "Okay, so. This is a modern Disney-based thing, and, all of you have seen Disney Channel, right?"

"Unfortunately, yes."

"Exactly. So, the extremely over-used laugh track was just being played by the Narrator-"

You can hear me?

"This wouldn't be a crappy fan fiction parody without it."

Ah.

"CAN WE JUST GET BACK TO THE ACTUAL F CKING STORY?!" Mary Sue snapped.

"I just wanted to pad out the word count, but fine." Soku replied.

"We need to build our raft, so we can SAIL TO OTHER WORLDS!" Mary Sue said with whimsy.

"… You realize that's not how Worlds work, don't you?" Yaomi asked, after a brief pause.

"Why don't you think so?"

"Well, Mommy and Daddy told me so, after they told me how babies are made. It was a weird day." Soku answered.

"AREN'T YOU THIS STORY'S IDIOT?!" Mary Sue yelled.

"Aren't you this story's main 'damsel in distress'?" Yaomi commented, "You should calm down, so that the bad guy actually _wants _to kidnap you."

"I WILL STAB YOU IN THE GUT REPEATEDLY." Mary Sue threatened. Laugh. Anger is funny. I've stolen from- I mean, read enough fan fiction to know that.

"I love you so much." Soku squee-d. Yes, that's a word now. Deal with it, I'm the Narrator.

"You know what, Mary? We'll do this for you, but only for one reason."

"And what reason may that be?"

"… You're f cking hot." Soku answered.

"I would've said that it's because we're friends, but sure."

"Oh, silly Yaomi!" Mary Sue laughed, "You can't find me attractive! You're attracted to Soku!"

"Now, why do you think that?"

"Cause the Narrator told me."

It's true.

"CAN WE STOP BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL?!" Yaomi whined like a little bitch. "That's not helping, Narrator."

"The Narrator has had more lines than me…" Soku sighed.

Take that, bitch.

Yaomi sighed, "Let's just go. I'll go with Soku-"

"Aw hell nah!" Soku rejected, "I'm not gay."

"I can't believe this series is going down into gay jokes… And I'm straight, dammit." Yaomi fumed.

"You know what? No. I'm not going to date you."

"I'm not asking you out-"

"NO, don't beg. You're only making yourself look stupid."

It's true. You're extremely stupid.

"SHUT UP, NARRATOR!"

"I'm out of here." Soku said.

"Where are you going?" Mary Sue asked.

"Angst Beach. You know, the usual hangout of RPG protagonists."

Soku then left Mary Sue's house. What, we never mentioned they were at her house before? Well, I'm not that good of a Narrator. Sue me. Anyway, Soku left, and walked up to Angst Beach.

"When will my adventure start…?" Soku sulked to himself as he skipped rocks, "Maybe chapter three…"

"How about chapter RIGHT THE F CK NOW?"

Soku looked at the Man who approached him. He was the Man With No Clever Name. He wore a top hat and a cloak, with a blank slate of a mask. He was unoriginal. He totally isn't an author insert for the author, Noklevername. He had the most physical description of any character in this story.

"Who are you?" Soku questioned.

"Read the narration. I know you can."

Soku promptly read the narration. He gasped, "You're obviously a villain! _AND _a shameless self-insert!"

The Man With No Clever Name took out a long, silver blade, that was kinda sharp and pointy. Aren't I a great Narrator? "Take that back, you little CENSORED."

"Don't kill me!" Soku cried, "I'm the main character!"

"That's why I'm here…" The Man With No Clever Name said, as he drew back the blade, "This is a Pick Lock Blade."

"Kinda like a Keyblade?" Soku asked, confused.

"The Author said it isn't. Here, take it." The Man With No Clever Name offered Soku the Pick Lock Blade.

Soku grabbed it eagerly, "Yay, pointy things! Yaomi doesn't usually let me near them, so this is really cool!" Soku paused for a moment, "So, why are you giving me sharp-pointy thing?"

"I come here on behalf of the Author."

"Who?"

"The Author! The Man Who Created This World! I'd say he's our God, but he's Christian. So he settles for the Author." The Man With No Clever Name explained.

"So, he's a narcissist?"

"HOW DARE YE-" The Man With No Clever Name fake-coughed into his sleeve, "Sorry about that. Anyway, the Great Author needs his idiotic original characters, or OCs, to do his work for him. I'm here to give you an offer…"

Soku woke up, "Wait, what? Sorry, I'm not good at speeches."

The Man With No Clever Name sighed, "I'm offering you the ability to travel through all the Worlds. Defending them. Killing things. Meeting new people. And furries. I know that's your fetish."

"No!" Soku yelled, "That's impossible!"

"Look into your Heart. You know it to be true."

"This is a crappy reference."

The Man With No Clever Name sighed in slight shame, "Yep."

"But still, I SAY NO!"

"WHY?!" The Man With No Clever Name fumed.

"Because I'm still hitting on Mary Sue, dammit. Plus, if I leave, Yaomi will probably go all emo!"

"WHAT?! You have to be kidding me! I'LL KILL YOU- Hehe, sorry. Anyway, take that Keybla- I mean, Pick Lock Blade. Anyways, I'll do anything to get this plot moving, you little bastard."

The Man With No Clever Name then opened up a dark purple Portal. "Wh-where does that lead to?" Soku asked nervously.

"The Author's Home." The Man With No Clever Name answered, "I'm out of here. Remember. PLOT!"

The Man With No Clever Name left Angst Beach, and Soku sat down on the sand. He sighed, "That was needlessly ominous."

Soku examined his new Pick Lock Blade. On the handle, it said 'CWDIOYENMASLPATNY'. Soku wondered what it meant.

"Hey, Narrator!"

W-what is it?

"You know what this means, right?"

Um, yeah. Sure.

"Then what does it mean?!" Soku asked, like a little brat.

Um…

Soku sighed, "Never mind… I'm out of here."

Soku then picked up his Pick Lock Blade, and skipping-rocks, and trudged home.

**Please review, and tell me what you think! I could really use your opinions, Readers!**

**Thanks for reading!**

**PS, yes, the Organization are going to make an experience...**


	2. Chapter 2: Dream Dropping Chapter

**Kingdom Hearts: Every Fan Fiction Ever**

** CHAPTER TWO: Dream Dropping Chapter**

"_DISNEY WOULD NEVER DO SUCH A THING!_"

Soku immediately sat up in bed, in shock. He looked at his alarm clock. Twelve AM. Why do Square Enix protagonists always wake up in the middle of the night?

"That dream was… Disturbing. I need to call someone!" Soku ponders for a moment, "Hmmm… Mary Sue is probably out fighting crime with Bat-Man, my parents are busy being maybe non-existent, almost every other normal teenager is asleep… I know! I'll call Yaomi! He's probably watching his gay porn…"

Soku picked up his hamburger phone, (Because he's quirky.) and dialed Yaomi's phone number.

Yaomi, as always, was in his bed. His room was pink and _Hello Kitty _themed. It used to be his sisters. At least, that's what he says.

"Screw off, Narrator. I'm reading the _Kingdom Hearts _official manga."

What? Why?

"Well, two reasons. One, because _Kingdom Hearts_ is a high quality manga series written and illustrated by creative geniuses. Buy it at your nearest book store!"

… Did Square Enix and Disney pay you to say that?

"… Maybe."

That's it. Once Square Enix designed Marluxia and Cloud, I knew they loved ambiguously gay men!

"… You're a dick, Narrator."

At least I don't like them.

Yaomi sighed, "Why did I have to get the homophobic narrator?"

Noklevername gets what he pays for.

"Of course."

Isn't this conversation getting way too long?

"I think we're having a filler conversation for the filler scene."

This is _definitely _the best story ever.

Meanwhile, in Soku's room…

"I'm the main character of this story, I should be getting some damned lines…"

Stop whining. You'll get some lines when I stop being so amazing and Yaomi stops being such a loser.

"Gee, thanks." Yaomi replied. Oh look, we're back in the Yaomi scene.

Anyways, what's the second reason for reading the brilliant _Kingdom Hearts _manga, on sale now?

"Did Square Enix-"

Yep.

"Ah. Anyways, the second reason is that I can find out what the f*ck is going on with this franchise. Seriously, I'm confused."

Don't worry about it. This is a fan fiction, every writer is too stupid to care about continuity. I mean, look at all the yaoi shipping.

"Oh god I know a joke is coming…"

… What are you talking about?

"You're about to make a gay joke."

No I wasn't. Why would I do that?

"Because-"

No. I'm not talking to you anymore.

"Look, I'm sorry…"

Tell someone else.

Yaomi then hears his phone, (yes, he has a phone by his bed. This story is logical like that.) and picks it up.

"Did you see my ad on the bathroom stall?" Yaomi asked exasperatingly.

"Wait, what?" Soku questioned, with a confused expression on his face.

"N-nevermind. So, what's up?"

"Well, I just spent five minutes trying to call you. What were you doing?"

Yaomi paused for a moment, "It's hard to explain. The Narrator-"

"Is the Narrator being a dick again?"

"Yep."

You should know a lot about dicks, Yaomi!

"F CK YOU!"

"… Ow…" Soku replied sadly.

"I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU!" Yaomi snapped. (Don't worry. It's his time of the month.) Yaomi twitched in anger in response to my comment. That means it worked.

"… You're a bitch in the morning. Anyways, I had this dream-"

"So, you're calling me in the middle of the night to talk to me about your dreams? Who's the gay one now?"

"Still you. Anyways, I had a dream-"

"This is going to get very boring."

"… It is. Anyways, I had a dream, that was filled with darkness, Heart-"

"What's with this franchise's obsession with 'Heart'? I've been reading the manga, and-"

"ARE YOU GOING TO LET ME TALK ABOUT MY DREAM OR WHAT?!" Soku snapped like a insane man's mind.

"I was just planning on padding this story's word count further, but sure."

"Okay, so it was filled with Darkness, Heart, and weird emo pretty boys-"

"Totally unlike us?"

"_JUST. SHUT. UP._"

I've been trying to make him do the same thing.

Soku sighed, "So, my dream was filled with Darkness, Heart, emo pretty boys, and general vagueness that won't be explained until the fifth sequel."

Yaomi sighed, and rubbed his forehead with his hand, tired, "Look, Soku. Calm down, it was just a dream. It's not like it was foreshadowing or anything."

"Yeah, you're right. Well, I'll bother you about your homo sexuality tomorrow." Soku said, "Maybe I can have another dream about that Kairi girl. Mmmmm, fanservice…"

"How about you realize I'm-" Soku hang up the phone, and Yaomi paused, "… Why is everyone in this story a terrible person?"

It's because the fan fiction world hates you, Yaomi.

"What the-"

MEANWHILE, in Soku's Room…

Soku is laying in bed, staring up at the ceiling. "What does it mean…?"

Suddenly, a crash and a stock public domain scream was heard by our hero, "I LOVE MAKING SOUND EFFECTS!" A Creature called out from outside the House.

"What the [DISNEY BRAND CENSORS] was that?" Soku asked himself, as he shot out of bed, running to his window.

As he looked outside, he saw a strange, oddly adorable creature… A Souless! (Totally not a Heartless, because this series is original!

"Eh, whatever. Not my problem!" Soku claimed. Our hero, everyone. As lovable as he'll ever be. After that remark, Soku jumped back into bed, and tried to get to sleep.

Once he closed his eyes, he heard a old-person yell from outside. (Don't ask how he knows what an old person yell sounds like. It's a long, long, long, long, most likely illegal, story.)

Soku hurried to the window to get revenge, by yelling at an old person to get off his lawn, but then he saw who it was. It was… Uncle Ben!

"UNCLE BEN, NOOOOOO!"

The Souless then consumed Uncle Ben in a manner that was so horrifying it cannot be described. I'm not just leaving it un-described because I'm bad at my job, no. It was horrifying.

Soku grabbed his Pick Lock Blade, and pointed it into the air, "Uncle Ben… I SHALL AVENGE YOU!" He yelled. "I HAVE THE POWER!"

Meanwhile, in another world, a man named Wade, covered in red and black, sat on a street bench, eating a chimichanga, his trademarked favorite food.

"Mmmmmm! This is almost as awesome as that time I set up a cutaway gag!" Wade commented. He stared at me, (somehow) "Well? Aren't ya going to cutaway to my cutaway? HUH?!"

No, Wade.

"It's Deadpool."

Fine, _Deadpool_, I'm not going to cut away. This chapter has had enough filler.

"_Fine_." Deadpool crossed his arms, "I didn't want you to anyway…"

As Deadpool pouted like a little bitch, a portal opened in front of him, and the Man With No Clever Name approached.

"Oh, hey, ominous obvious villain guy!" Deadpool greeted.

"Hello, insane mercenary. I have a job for you." The Man With No Clever Name told him.

"Hmmm… You're obviously a bad guy, and I'm trying to be a hero…"

"I've got money."

"DEAL." Deadpool yelled, "What's the job ya need me to do?"

The Man With No Clever Name gave Deadpool a photo, "I need you to kidnap her."

"… And by kidnapped you mean murder?"

"No, you idiot!" The Man With No Clever Name fumed, "Kidnap. I need her alive."

"Fine, fine. I'll talk to you in… Three more chapters? Maybe four?"

"Sounds good. You get the money once she is in your possession."

"M'kay!" Deadpool said happily.

The Man With No Clever Name walked into his Portal, "What an idiot… Why would the Great Author ask for _him_?"

"Ya didn't leave this World yet, asshole!" Deadpool called out.

**Yes, Deadpool is getting a role in the story! And he's not the only Marvel character we'll see, either...**

**Fun Fact: in the _Kingdom Hearts: Every Fan Fiction Ever _timeline, the Marvel Universe was one of the first Worlds attacked by the Heartless. Though it was returned after the first game, several characters still haven't came back, and many now travel from world to world. (Such as Deadpool here.) Also, in this Universe, Thor is currently in competition with Disney's Hercules. Will we see those two with each other?**

**... Probably not.**


	3. Chapter 3: Disappointing Third Chapter

**Kingdom Hearts: Every Fan Fiction Ever**

** CHAPTER THREE: The Disappointing Third Chapter**

* * *

Dr. Facilier chuckled lightly, "So, you wish to send me to… France?"

"Yes." Maleficent answered.

"To get a racist Priest for our little group?"

"Correct."

"Let me get this straight… You don't see the problem with sending a black, gambling, voodoo dabbling man, to get a racist French priest?"

"I see the problem. I just don't care."

"Fine, fine! Now, small question… Why don't you just attack them in your Dragon form? Why get all these other baddies? Why not just let my friends from the Other Side kidnap them? They can travel Worlds, y'know!"

"I am aware, Dr. Facilier. I need them alive, I cannot simply burn them to death, despite my wishes to. The other 'baddies', as you call them, are simply vessels to extend my power throughout the Worlds. Who else to help me than a brutal Priest, or a magical con man, such as yourself?"

Dr. Facilier prepared his staff, it glowing purple. Because this is Disney, and Disney thinks purple is evil. PURPLE DESTROYS WORLDS.

"STOP RAMBLING, NARRATOR!"

Hey. I'm just trying to make this chapter funny.

"And you're failing at it!" Dr. Facilier whined, "Now, Maleficent! I am not your 'vessel'! I am my own man, and I will not be controlled by a common villain such as yourself!"

"Now, now," Maleficent said calmly, whilst walking towards Facilier, "You are under the control of your 'friends from the Other Side', are you not?"

Dr. Facilier sighed, letting down his staff, "Yes, I am."

"And did I not sacrifice several Hearts to them, in exchange for your soul?"

"… Maybe."

"Now, currently, until I free you, you are under my control. Now, off to France."

"Yes, Maleficent…" Dr. Facilier bowed, and opened a Portal of Purple Evil, stepping through it.

* * *

Soku… Just sat there. Hey, Mr. Protagonist, the main plot is back on!

"W-what?!" Soku asked, wiping the drool from his cheek, "Sorry. The filler made me bored."

It wasn't filler, it was plot important!

"Though we can both agree it was pure sh[DISNEY BRAND CENSORSHIP :D]t, can't we?" Soku argued.

Like the rest of the story?

"… Ow."

For someone who is so opposed to filler, you sure as hell love to refuse to move the plot along.

"Eh, I'm just padding out the word count."

Why is everyone doing that, anyway?

"Hey, it's the only reason you get any lines."

… ZEUS BLESS PADDING THE WORD COUNT!

"Exactly. What was I going to do? My memory is goldfish-esque."

You can't remember what you were about to do a _chapter_ ago?

"... Yes."

… You were about to fight the Souless.

"That's stupid! Why would I possibly do that? Yaomi is _infinitely _more expendable!"

They killed Uncle Ben.

"OH HELL NAH!" Soku picked up his Pick Lock Blade, and hurried out the door. Don't worry though, young Readers, he's not going to die! This is the third chapter, and Noklevername isn't smart enough for a decoy protagonist.

As Soku rushed outside, he came across a Souless. He readied his Pick Lock Blade, pointing it at the Creature, who seemed to be eating a Nameless Extra.

"Oh, hey," The Creature greeted, "I'll eat you in a minute. Can you get some ketchup or something?"

"No!" Soku replied angrily, "I'm saving my ketchup for later- I mean, I must avenge a fallen comrade!"

"Was it Kenny?" The Creature giggled, "I ate his soul. It tasted like MUFFINS!"

"You killed Kenny? YOU BASTA-"

Mind your language. I don't want to use the Disney Brand Censor again.

Soku sighed, "I'M NOT HERE TO AVENGE KENNY!" Soku yelled.

The Creature gasped, "Are you an Avenger? I heard Disney owns them now… I HAVE AN AVENGERS T-SHIRT! I stole a fan boy's soul to get it, BUT I HAVE IT! Can you sign it, pleaaaaaase?"

"ARGH, no! I'm not an Avenger!"

"Oh. In that case, [DISNEY BRAND OVERUSED CENSORING JOKE] you. What were we talking about, anyway?"

"I don't know… Vengeance? OH YEAH! YOU KILLED UNCLE BEN!" Soku shouted, raising his Pick Lock Blade high.

"… Lol wut?" The Creature asked.

"… I guess that whole 'Uncle Ben' thing was a throwaway joke?"

Most likely. Don't you feel stupid? (Well, more then usual.)

"… Maybe… Anyway," Soku withdrew his Pick Lock Blade, "LET'S HAVE A FIGHT SEQUENCE!"

"Fine, fine…" The Creature sighed, "LET US FI-"

Soku promptly stuck his Pick Lock Blade through the Creatures torso, "Wow, that was surprisingly easy…"

"I'M A LEVEL NEGATIVE TWO ENEMY," The Creature groaned, "WE GET KILLED BY ANTS! NOT EVEN ANTHROPOMORPHIC ANTS! **NORMAL F**[DISNEY BRAND CENSORSHIP FUCK YEAH!]**KING ANTS!**"

"Um… When will you die?" Soku asked awkwardly.

"When I'm done with my rambling." The Creature answered. Since Noklevername can no longer think of more "funny" material, the Creature died.

"YAY, I'm a murderer!" Soku cheered. Our hero, everyone! Immediately after doing his heroic victory dance of brutal murder, a crowd of Creatures surrounded Soku. "… Well, crap."

"Hey, did you kill that guy?" One of the Creatures asked.

"Um… Yeah." Soku answered nervously.

"Well, s[YOU KNOW THE SCHTICK]t. Did you eat his soul?" Another Creature questioned, staring at the deceased Creature's corpse.

"Uh, I don't know… Hey, Narrator, do I look like I ate a soul?"

Do you feel morally bankrupt and more powerful than you could ever imagine?

"Well, I _am _morally bankrupt, and I'm a narcissist, and an amazing one at that." Soku said. Yes, he seriously meant that as a joke. I know, I'm ashamed too.

I think you ate a soul. I should know.

"Dammit, man!" A Creature complained, "WE CALLED DIBS!"

"Oh my god… I'm so sorry…" Soku apologized.

… It's dibs what does it matter?

"One does not simply disrespect the dibs."

One does not simply ripoff a soon-to-be-outdated internet meme. Oh, and, one small thing.

"What?"

One of the Creatures is biting your leg.

"IT TASTES LIKE CHICKEN! Fleshy, fleshy chicken…" The Leg-Biting Creature commented.

"Gee, thanks, Narrator. You're finally helpful for once."

Hey, at least I narrated for _Bill Nye the Science Guy_. What have _you _done with your life?

"… I… Don't know, actually. My memory is goldfish-esque."

Didn't you say that earlier in this chapter?

"I did? I don't remember doing that."

… Oh god, that was bad, even on Noklevername's standards.

"… I know…" Soku sighed, his head hanging.

Hey, isn't there a plot we should be getting along?

"Oh yeah. OW IT IS BITING MY LEG SO MUCH PAIN ARGH!" Soku over-acted, before fainting.

* * *

"King Mickey…"

"Yes sir?"

"A new force of chaos has emerged…"

* * *

"Hey, Soku, wake up!" Yaomi called, shaking Soku's shoulders. "I've already taken your Munny, it's time to wake up!"

Yaomi proceeded to do what was commonly done to him: bitch slapping, "Wake up! I want to have a conversation with someone that _isn't _the Narrator! I swear to god, it's like talking to a smarter you… That I can't punch."

Soku flew up, "What?! Where am I?!" He questioned, "Did you roofie me again, Yaomi?"

Yaomi stared at Soku, confused, "What the fu-"

NO! I'm not going to do another [DISNEY CENSOR] joke.

Soku crossed his arms, "You heard me."

"I did not…" Yaomi sighed, "Look, I just saved your freaking life."

"What? How?"

"You're not the only one with a Pick Lock Blade," Yaomi answered, "Seriously. They give them away in boxes of Paopu Fruit Cereal."

"Bitch please! I'm the Chosen One!"

"Did you just call me a bitch?"

Soku promptly got up, "I'm out of here." Soku picked up his Pick Lock Blade and left Yaomi's Room, "Nice George Takei poster, by the way."

We should really take away his pointy objects. He'll hurt himself (and others).

"You do it." Yaomi ordered.

Yeah, I would, but, y'know, I'm the Narrator.

"So what?"

I don't exist in your World.

"Then why can I talk to you?"

… MEANWHILE, Soku runs over to Mary Sue's House. (Yes, she's still part of the story.) He did not do anything worth narrating on the way, because, damn, this chapter is long enough, and we're planning more than enough filler to keep you bored.

* * *

"W-what should I do about it, sir?"

"You know what you need to do."

"Sorry sir, but I honestly don't! It's kinda why I'm askin' you what I should do… Haha, I kinda feel like my pal Goofy right now!"

* * *

As Soku approaches Mary Sue's House, he sees her "totally owning" (she wrote that line. She's even more of a narcissist than I am.) a Creature with her Katana, a Pick Lock Blade strapped onto her back, along with her backpack, shotgun, and Goff Wand.

"Um, I'm here to… Save you?" Soku spat out, confused.

Mary Sue grunted hottily, "SHUT UP, YOU STUPID PREP!" She screeched as she murdered a Creature brutally.

"I see you have things covered here…"

Mary Sue sighed, whilst totally owning those gay prep Creatures, "Yep…"

"I'm just gonna… Go help Yaomi…"

"Okay then…" Mary Sue replied, as Soku started backing away slowly.

"Wait, does _everyone _have a Pick Lock Blade?!" Soku bitched.

"Everyone important." Mary Sue answered.

"THEN WHY DOES YAOMI HAVE ONE?!"

"Nameless Extra has one."

Um, Mary, that's not even a character.

"He is now, because I said so."

Makes sense.

"Anyways, go Soku! And take the Narrator with you!"

_Fine_. Be like that. C'mon, Soku.

* * *

"Sir, we're not sure he's such a _major _threat as you're sayin'! Can't I do a bit of spyin' before we get harsh?"

"Fine, Mickey. Though be warned… He, as far as I'm aware, has no morality. His Heart… Is Dark."

"Oh dear…"

* * *

As Soku sprinted to Yaomi's House. Though, on the way, he saw the Man With No Clever Name with Yaomi. Automatically assuming it was some sort of foreplay, Soku hid in a bush.

"You have stunned the plot with your insolent filler," The Man With No Clever Name informed, "You must receive the proper punishment."

The Man With No Clever Name picked Yaomi up by the throat, "T-this is a parody… It barely _has _a plot…"

"WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M TRYING TO FIX?!" The Man With No Clever Name opened a Purple Portal of EVIL, and threw Yaomi in.

Soku could hear some things from inside the Portal, and shivered at the mind numbing evil he had heard.

"Oh my gosh, Jackson! A weird Portal opened up in my dressing room, and, some guy came out, and… He saw me as Miley!"

A laugh track was promptly played, and Yaomi screamed to the heavens, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Soku knew he had to do something. TO BE CONTINUED….?

Hehe, no, I'm not going to be a jerk and end it now. I get paid for narrating longer chapters, y'know.

Our "hero" jumped out of the bushes, armed with his Pick Lock Blade, "What did you do with our comic relief, you bastard?!"

The Man With No Clever Name turned to face Soku, "Ah, it is you, my main character."

"Where did you send Yaomi?!"

"A terrible, sinful, evil, World."

"The Underworld? Bald Mountain? That World Where Earth Was Ruined By Fat People?!"

"Haha, no. Worse than all of those combined. The world of the Disney Channel Sitcoms. The World of _Hannah Montana, Wizards of Waverly Place, A.N.T. Farm, _and… Associated shows."

Soku gasped in terror, "NOT ASSOCIATED SHOWS!"

The Man With No Clever Name laughed like a stereotypical 30's movie villain, "Yes… ASSOCIATED SHOWS!" Thunder struck behind the Man. "And, if you do not want a similar fate, let me destroy this World."

"WHY WOULD YOU WANT THIS WORLD DESTROYED?!" Soku yelled, in confusion. Don't worry, Soku! This is a _Kingdom Hearts_ thing. It can only get more complicated.

"Seriously? Do you not remember chapter one?"

"Actually, I don't. My memory is goldfi-"

We already used that joke.

The Man With No Clever Name sighed, "You're an idiot, Soku."

"And you're an obvious antagonist."

"Just grab your Pick Lock Blade."

Soku picked up his Pick Lock Blade, "Alright, but why?"

The Man With No Clever Name summoned hundreds of Souless, and a Dark Portal of Purple Evil. "No reason."

"… Oh, okay."

… Whatever hell you put him through now, No Clever Name, I'm alright with. Hell, I encourage.

"Thank you, my omnipresent friend…" The Man With No Clever Name promptly shoved Soku into the Dark Portal of Purple Prose, and Soku felt as if he would never stop falling. All he could see was empty. Only empty…

"Enough with the Narration!"

Fine, fine… Soku then fell asleep.

* * *

"C'mon, Donald, c'mon, Goofy! I have a mission I wanna bring you guys on!"

"What about Sora, or Riku?"

"He can sit this one out."

* * *

Soku woke up with a headache, his head lying on concrete bricks. "W-where am I?" He asked, tired. He looked up, and saw a man with a lab coat and a bowtie, and a duck chomping a cigar above him.

"… Am I drunk?"

* * *

**Enjoying the story? Yes, I'm purposefully making this story ridiculously vague. Like the actual series! Who do you think the people who Soku wakes up to see are? Who is Mickey talking to for the majority of the chapter? What're Maleficent's plans? Who's the "great chaotic force"? Try and guess in the REVIEWS!**


	4. Chapter 4: Oh, Hey Yaomi, We Forgot You

**Kingdom Hearts: Every Fan Fiction Ever**

** Chapter 4: Oh, hey Yaomi. We forgot/didn't give a shit about you!**

_Entry 358/2,_

_ This is my second week in this World. Though I'm still writing in this journal. I mean, hey, we need material for _Every Fan Fiction Ever: Final Mix_, don't we? I mean, money._

_ Anyways, I've noticed a few things about this World._

_The Laugh Track comes on literally every single time someone makes something considered "funny" by the merciless Gods of this World. That includes things from bad puns to literally every single facial expression. EVERY. SINGLE. FACIAL EXPRESSION._

_Every problem seems to solve itself within a 22 minute period. Well, 44 if it's a two-parter._

_Everyone seems to be mind numbingly stupid. Like, Soku-level stupid. I kinda regret saving Soku now… Hey, whatever. I may get a spinoff, hire a new Narrator…_

I take some f[DO I SERIOUSLY HAVE TO CENSOR MYSELF]king offense to that.

Yaomi jumped like a little pussy, (y'know, that thing he's allergic to?) "What?! Narrator?!"

Yes, it's me. You get a chapter, apparently.

"I do?!" Yaomi gasped.

Apparently, Noklevername has ran out of creativity.

"Did he ever actually have any?"

Fair enough. Oh, and, nice Barbie diary.

Yaomi paused, "..Thanks…"

… What are you waiting for?

"What are you talking about?"

Aren't you going to defend the fact that you have a Barbie Diary.

"No, I won't."

… This chapter is awful.

"Aren't they all?"

Fair enough.

"Now, you know what it's time for?"

What is it time for? I mean, it's just a formality for me to ask, since I'm the goddamned Narrator, but, tell me!

"It's time for… FILLER!"

Yay, filler! Everyone loves filler!

* * *

"Hello, Maleficent…" Dr. Facilier greeted, carrying a passed out old man on his back. (Long story. If you want to hear it, pay us fifty dollars for _Every Fan Fiction: Final Mix_!)

"Hello, Charles…" Maleficent replied, "Now, if you don't mind my asking…"

"Oh, this guy?" Dr. Facilier chuckled as he threw him on the table, "Would you believe drugs?"

Maleficent stared at the man, "He's an over fifty year old hyper-religious Judge from the nineteenth century France."

Dr. Facilier paused and shrugged, "So, yes, you'd believe drugs?"

Maleficent face-palmed. As did every single person reading this.

* * *

"Well, that was vague."

That means it worked.

"Remember when this story was funny?"

No. Anyways, what are you doing?

"Eh, nothing much. Just waiting in line for a concert. For some reason, I felt like getting my ears raped."

And this is the 'awful world' the Man With No Clever Name kept ranting about last chapter? It doesn't seem that bad.

"Imagine being in a city that contains, at most, five different places."

Hey, still more than the Olympus Coliseum.

"Just… Shut up." A laugh track then played, making Yaomi scream, "YOU F[UCKIN]G F[UN]KER!"

… Funker?

"Shut up! Just, shut up! You're the one who does the censoring!

Hey, I'm just having fun with a running joke-

"IT SUCKS! Nobody likes it, and nobody ever liked it!"

But, that one Reviewer said-

"THAT REVIEWER CAN GO FUCK HIM OR HERSELF! AND SO CAN YOU! And, just, turn off the f[THIS JOKE IS FUNNY, RIGHT? RIGHT?!]g laugh track!"

Hey hey hey, is someone on their period? And, haha, not a chance.

"WHY?!"

This is too much fun to watch. Hey, watch this: LAUGH TRACK!

_Hahahahahaha_!

"YOU MOTHERFU-"

"Hello, Yaomi Le…" A feminine man greeted, strolling off a stage.

Thanks for stopping the swear, He/She man. I'm sick of that joke.

"So is everyone." Yaomi commented. He then readied his Pick Lock Blade, and aimed it at the cloaked man. "Why are you here?!"

* * *

The Girl sat on top of Big Ben, sipping her tea, practicing her spells, "God, I love my new boyfriend, Harry Potter…"

"Hey, you!" A Man called, as he approached, "You're a Mary Sue, right?"

"I take some offense to that!"

"Sooooo, I'm wrong?"

She paused, "No…"

* * *

The Feminine Man sighed, "Well, I'm not here to be interrupted by some random, unlikely to be acknowledged scene, are I?"

"Look, Noklevername needs to use as much filler as humanly possible."

It keeps him sane. Well, sane on his standards.

"WHATEVER!" The Man yelled, "Yaomi Le, I would like to greet you."

Yaomi extended his hand, "Uh, hey. How long are we going to be ambiguous with your name?"

Mar- I mean, the Man, flipped his pink hair, "I'm just padding out the word length, waiting for them to catch up."

"Do you want to just go to another scene?" Yaomi sighed, obviously bored by the subpar entry into this series. (And that's on this fic's standards.)

"Sure, why not?" Totally-Not-Marluxia sighed.

* * *

"Hello, Mister… Jonathan Stone?"

"It's just 'Sue Hunter' now."

"Why?"

"Who the f ck is named after an object?"

"This is a parody. We have a character named after a form of gay porn."

"… Fair enough."

* * *

Marluxia finished sipping his/her tea, "Wow. That filler was short."

"And, if we don't do something soon, this chapter will be too short!" Yaomi complained.

Mercifully so.

Marluxia stomped the ground with his scythe, "Flower power, bitch!"

Yaomi hung his head in confusion, "Wait, wait, wait. Where did you get that scythe?"

I generally assume he pulled it out of his ass.

"Whatever…" Marluxia sighed, "Look, you may join me. I know how all those homophobic insults feel…"

A grin came on Yaomi's face, "Finally! Someone understands!"

"It get's a lot easier once you come out of the sparkle filled closet…"

"OH MY GOD, you've got to be kidding me!" Yaomi fumed, "That's it! BOSS FIGHT SEQUENCE!"

Marluxia chuckled, "Haha, you really think you can beat me?"

Yaomi drew his Pick Lock Blade, "Yes, I do! If I didn't, why would I try and fight you? God."

A Man tapped Marluxia's shoulder, "Excuse me, Sir, but I'm a representative of the Disney Corporation. I'm afraid that you're not completely child friendly, and must be-"

Marluxia picked the Disney Executive up by the collar, "Sorry, Sir, but I'm the antagonist of this chapter, and I simply _must _do something to prove my badassery-"

"No swearing, either."

Marluxia chuckled, "I assume you'll be hearing some swearing… In hell!" The Flower Powered Prince of Penis threw the Disney Executive away.

"AND NO RELIGIOUS REFERENCES EITHERRRRRRRR!" The Disney Executive called, as he hit Ms. Montanna's Limo, causing an explosion.

Why did it explode, you may ask? Because this chapter is so gay, I had to add some testosterone.

"OH MY GOD, YOU KILLED GENERIC TEEN POP SENSATION NUMBER TWENTY SIX!" A Nameless Extra called, before his neck met Marluxia's Scythe.

Marluxia then proceeded to murder all of those in line for the concert. (It was a mercy kill.) Yaomi would've stopped him, but, he forgot to level grind on his way to the concert.

* * *

The Man With No Clever Name looked over the Disney Live Action Universe, standing a top some odd Wizarding School. He chuckled to himself. "The World, forever abandoned by the Great Author… I feel the oddest need to simply let it destroy itself."

He laughed maniacally.

The Sue Hunter tapped him on the shoulder, "Y'know, talking to yourself is a weird way of exposition."

"… Shut the hell up, Stone."

"You just can't think of an adequate come back, can you?"

"Please refer to my previous statement."

* * *

Yaomi stared in awe as the final Concert Goer was slaughtered. "Um… Overkill?"

Marluxia chuckled, "Hey, I need to establish myself as a villain, do I not?"

"Uh, no. You do not."

Marluxia promptly proceeded to kick Yaomi in the gut, "Yes, I do. You see, this is a parody of fan fiction, is it not?"

"Yes…" Yaomi replied hesitantly.

"And is it not true that this story embodies all that is wrong with fan fiction?"

It embodies all that's wrong with it by _being _all that's wrong with it.

"Correct, my dear omnipresent friend. Now, I must work extra hard to establish my villainy, due to my status as the laughingstock of the fandom. I'm not even used in shipping. I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO WANTS TO BE USED IN SHIPPING!"

The Murderous Flower Man took a swipe at Yaomi with his trademark scythe (bought from San Francisco!). Due to the fact that we aren't going to abruptly end this fic, (it'll only die when Noklevername becomes even _less _creative than usual!) Marluxia missed his intended target of Yaomi's neck. He did, however, swipe his arm, forcing him to drop his Pick Lock Blade.

All it took was a swift kick to get Yaomi on the ground. God, this sounds like weird porn.

"Now, you have two options. One: join me, and we shall rule the Worlds as platonic life partners. Or two: say your last words. And you better make them funny, dammit."

Yaomi scowled, "I'll never join you! YOU'RE A DICK BAG! YOU ARE A LITERAL BAG OF DICKS!"

"Haha, don't say I didn't warn you…"

You know what, Yaomi? I'm gonna do you a favor. But I'm only going to do this once.

"What? Why? Because you want me to grow as a hero without your help?"

What? No! It's because you're _soooo _opposed to running gags…

The sound of 'Numa Numa' boomed through the empty stadium.

"Hang on a second, I've got a phone call…" Marluxia paused, "Wait. I don't own a phone."

Now you do.

"Why?"

Because… Plot, dammit.

"Oh, alright…" Marluxia answered his _Hello Kitty _themed phone, "Hello?"

"I-It's Demyx…"

"Hello, Demy."

"Axel… Has…"

"Boiling blood?"

Demyx paused.

Marly sighed, "I'll be there in approximately one chapter ago…"

Marluxia opened a Dark Corridor, and entered. He looked back at Yaomi.

"I'll be back." He said, menacingly, "… In about five chapters. Give or take."

Yaomi lay down, limp, "… That was just…" He paused, "Pointless."

It truly was, Yaomi. Like most scenes in this story.

* * *

"Let me introduce myself…" Dr. Facilier extended his hand.

The Monster extended his bug… Sack… Stub… Thing, "Hello, Mister Facilier!" The Monster chuckled, "Now, are you a gambling man?"

* * *

**Yep, Yaomi chapter!**

**Shockingly, yes, MARLUXIA seems to be the Organization's true antagonist for this fic! Seeing as Xemnas is most likely too busy writing angry hate mail to those who write Shipping fics involving him.**

**Oh my gosh, GASP! This leads into the previous chapter's epilogue! Not showing things in the correct order makes me sound artistic and deep.**


	5. Bonus: Plot Fire

**So, I've been having an odd combination recently. I've both been having way too many plot ideas, and writer's block. I've decided that I want to update _Every Fan Fiction Ever_, so I decided to do something completely unknown to fan fiction... SOMETHING ORIGINAL! Feel free to gasp now.**

Claude Frollo, the villain, the maniacal, the Judge, the Man-With-Many-So-Many-Titles-It's-Easy-To-Pad-The- Word-Count-With-Listing-Them, strolled inside the Catherdal.

"Beata Maria… You know I am a righteous man. And of my virtue I am justly pro- OH DEAR!"

Frollo's brilliant musical number was met with a kick to the back of the knee, "Haha… No, idiot. It's my time for a musical number…" The Man With No Clever Name chuckled, before he started laughing maniaclly. (Because this fic is known for it's subtlety.)

* * *

**Narrator's Note Here! This is really weird. I'm not used to doing this. I should get payed overtime.**

**We're doing a musical number. Feel free to feign interest now.**

**Because Noklevername is too lazy to write his own music, so he's just stealing the music from the masterpiece known as _Hellfire_.**

**The Man With No Clever Name's lyrics that are in italics should be read along with Judge Claude Frollo's singing.**

**The Red Cloaked back-up singer's lyrics are in bold- oh? We deleted them from this story? It made the chapter too long? Oh, okay. Looks like we're sparing you some more of this awful chapter.**

**Here's a link to the song: watch?v=EyS3weMlxLA**

_The great… Author, you know I am a clever man. And of my humor I am… Rhymings haaaard…_

_ The great… Author, you know I am much funnier than… The common OC and with their senseless drone…_

_ THEN TELL ME, great Author, why they pointlessly fight those sooooooouls…_

_ I FEEL IT, I SEE IT, the plot, it does not move along… Those pointless scenes like this burn through my sooooul…_

_ Like fire..._

_ Plot fire!_

_ This fire in this fic…_

_ This burning… Annoyance! Is turning the plot to… Shiiiiiiiit!_

_ IT'S NOT MY FAULT!_

_ I'M NOT TO BLAME!_

_ It is the main characters of which the dry spell may be claimed!_

_ IT'S NOT MY FAULT!_

_ It's in YOUR plan!_

_ YOU made the main characters so much stronger than a normal maaaaaaan!_

_ Forgive me, great Author…_

_ Don't let the sequel rot in hell!_

_ Don't let this fic sit in the archives and boil!_

_ LET ME DESTROY those heroes!_

_ And let them taste the fires of plot!_

_ Or else make them move on and destroy my sooooooul!_

The Man With No Clever Name heard a banging on the door, "Dammit, my musical number wasn't even _over _yet!"

The Sue Hunter opened the door, "Sir… This chapter is getting way too fucking long."

The Man With No Clever Name gasped, "No! Not again!" He paused, "But how?"

"I blame the filler." Chuckled Sue Hunter.

The Man groaned, "Never mind! GET OUT, YOU IDIOT!"

Sue Hunter sighed, "Well, gee, fuck you too, Sir…" The Master Fighter then proceeded to leave.

"I'll end this chapter soon even if I have to bastardize one of the best Disney musicals ever…" The Man With No Clever Name fumed in over-reaction.

The Sue Hunter smirked to himself far away, "That idiot with No Clever Name… Always talking to himself…" He chuckled, then paused, "… It's cool when I do it, though. Totally."

The Man With No Clever Name cleared his throat, "Well, time for a song… Cornerstone of the Disney Universe…"

_LIKE FIRE!_

_ PLOT FIRE!_

_ Now heroes it's YOUR TURN!_

_ Choose plot or… OUR FIRE!_

_ Move it or this plot… Will… BURRRRRRRRN!_

_ Author… There will be no mercy for them…_

_ Author… Please have mercy on… Me._

_ But this plot will be fine… Or… We… Will… DIIIIIIIIIIIE!_

* * *

**AN:**

**This chapter is dedicated to Roy.**

**I'm currently working on _Life in the Organization_. Remember that old chapter? Yeah, it's a series now. The first two chapters are already up, go read it!**

**NOTE: I asked a couple people throughout the site, and parodying a song's lyrics IS allowed. YAY, THIS FIC ISN'T BREAKING RULES!**

**Question for all of you: which should be the first world Soku visits? Monstro, Pride Lands, Wonderland or Neverland?**


End file.
